As a marriage counselor or coach for a better marital life and relationship, I know a few things about having difficult conversations.
The thing that gives us courage is the belief that even though the conversation will be difficult and bring up painful emotions, the results will make it all worthwhile. Maybe you can relate? Having difficult conversations is part of any relationship.
The alternative is what is called the ‘Avoiding-Lingering-Blindsiding’ paradigm. We avoid having those necessary conversations. The consequences of the lingering issues cause festering. When the lingering issue becomes too much to bear, we finally feel forced into the conversation. But now, the emotions are revved up and we’re not as effective in maintaining our calm and presenting the issues in a way that doesn’t seem attacking or condemning. Then, the person on the receiving end feels completely blindsided and ambushed. Think about it for a second. Whatever the challenge is, it’s probably been going on for some time and never dealt with. Now you want to deal with it!
The issue won’t go away by itself and putting them on the bottom of your to-do list while you continue to let the consequences linger doesn't do any good. Having difficult conversations is a basic skill in all relationships; they are a part of growth as a normal couple. When a marriage counselor teaches Team Building for Greatness to government and private sector clients, we explore the stages on building a team which include (1) Forming (2) Storming (3) Norming and (4) Performing. The team grows and increases attachment as it progresses through those stages, especially the Storming stage due to the skills a marriage counseling therapist provides the couple.
Remember these points as you navigate your next difficult conversation:
1. Avoid the “Now” and “Later” Approach you have used in the past
How many times have you wanted to have that conversation and you reached out to someone saying, “We need to talk later?” When exactly is that later time? Is it later today, later this week or later this month to have the discussion? While they wait, your spouse, fiance/partner or significant other becomes more defensive, anxious and worried not knowing what the conversation is about or when it’s going to happen. A better approach is by saying, “I’d like to talk about {fill-in-the-blank}. How does later today work for you?”
Stating the issue and proposing a time-frame gives your spouse, fiance/partner or significant other a chance to get his/her thoughts together ahead of time. A marriage counselor at a skilled marriage counseling practice can help you avoid potentially explosive reactions or worse yet, silence, when you give your spouse, fiance/partner or significant other time to prepare for your conversation.
2. Pick a relaxed neutral location.
It’s impossible to cut all the emotion out of a difficult conversation, but the location your spouse, fiance/partner or significant other pick can add or lessen stress and intensity. A marriage counselor at a skilled marriage counseling practice can help you pick the tools and skills to be sure not to add heat. A marriage counselor at a skilled marriage counseling practice will help you identify locations and help lessen the emotions. The office of The Path To Well-Being is a neutral safe space for coaching. You don’t have to leave your house for marriage counseling, telehealth or online counselors help provide skills for every conversation where you are in a neutral location where emotions can flow freely.
3. Be kind, direct and clear.
“Never give commands that can't be understood. Ask a question.” The same thing works when having difficult relationship conversations. Ask questions along the way to make sure your message was understood without giving commands.
4. Focus on implementing results rather than blame.
It’s easy to launch into generalizations and blame when you’re upset, putting the other person on the defensive by gas lighting. Defensive people are often resistant to wanting to change, which has you both back to square one. Instead, focus on the results you hope to gain from the conversation. Marriage counseling, telehealth or online counselors help provide skills for every conversation.
5. Practice compassionate active listening.
Listen to what he/she has to say instead of positioning yourself for a defensive comeback. That might provide a valid point that pushes the conversation further. You might present some new information that changes your position. Quiet your inner voice long enough to really hear what is being said by your spouse, fiance/partner or significant other.
6. Anticipate future conversations.
Rarely do marriage counselors have clients during marriage counseling who only book one session because most issues require a series of difficult conversations to iron things out. Clients often try to unload every emotion in one conversation. Understand that the first conversation will be the first of many to provide the skills and tools a marriage counselor can provide to change the relationship.
Below are the 5 stages you can work towards with a marriage counselor during marriage counseling –
1. Clearly define the issue
2. Discover the challenges and many sides of the issue
3. Envision the possible outcome of the issue
4. Develop solutions
5. Implement the solutions
If your spouse, fiance/partner or significant other pushes too hard in the first conversation, you will have a hard time getting through the stages above. And each stage is vital to resolving conflict in a healthy way as a marriage counselor provides in marriage counseling.
7. Be willing to provide a compromise.
All relationships take some form of compromise. There is your position on an issue, there is his/her position and somewhere in the middle and there is something you both can live with. If you’re so focused on having things your way, you may set yourself up for future fights and hurt. Be willing to compromise for the benefit of a healthy, long-term loving relationship so you and your spouse feel emotionally safe!